What do divorce, mouth sores and jogging have in common? They’re all bloody horrible.
Recently, my youngest daughter, Kate, asked me a piercing question.
“Dad, what happened in the divorce?”
And with that question, my heart broke reminding me of one of the hardest days of my life.
I assumed these were age-old issues long ago processed and put together neatly in a nice little bottle.
Not so much.
The “what happened” in my case is that after ten years of marriage, her mother, out of the blue, on a nice sunny morning on family vacation announces, “I don’t know if I can stay in this relationship.”
“What?! What do you mean by that?! Where did that come from?!”
I never expected to hear those words. No one should ever hear those words.
It’s like someone announcing you have a Glioblastoma. Maybe you have 6 months to a year.
I won’t go into the motive behind her announcement. But, my first thought was the impact for my five and seven year-old daughters.
Fathers were not made to be absent for any length of time from their daughters or sons.
Almost two years later, our divorce was final in 1992.
So where does this leave everyone scarred by divorce?
Something or someone has to heal the pain. Or the pain will metasticize.
So, as I watched Starving Students unload my possessions in 30 minutes from the mini truck, I thought, “What would my dad do?”
A lighthouse in the storm of divorce
My dad survived two divorces.
- His parents when he was eleven
- An early marriage in his twenties
Trauma like divorce needs a profound and powerful pick-up.
I turned to dad.
He didn’t study Psychology. He didn’t go to college.
But, he was a positive re-inforcer.
He probably didn’t know the psychological term “positive reinforcement.”
Even though he never went to church in early life, he and my mother embraced faith in Christ.
Dad reminded me that love should be the guiding force even in the chaotic settlement of a divorce.
In spite of the fallout, finish the details with integrity and love your children through the chaos.
How God’s love changed my father
In spite of suffering two divorces, dad was determined to rewrite the meaning of the words “family” and “father.”
He did and he challenged me to do the same.
He loved our family with the meaningful touch of . . .
- healthy affection
- family meals
- verbal affirmations
The Ultimate Positive Re-inforcer
Maybe you say “my dad didn’t do that.”
God knows that you and I need to fill the void in our lives.
So, Christ appeared numerous times after his death to show us how.
“Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals there with fish on it, and some bread. Jesus said to them, “Come and have breakfast.” None of the disciples dared ask him, “Who are you?” They knew it was the Lord. Jesus came, took the bread and gave it to them, and did the same with the fish. This was now the third time Jesus appeared to his disciples after he was raised from the dead.” John 21 selected verses
That’s who God is. That’s what a father is.
Standing on a beach.
Waiting for you and me.
Cooking our breakfast.
And that kind of love heals the wounds of divorce.
Please share your greatest lesson in recovery from divorce.
Steve, great insights as always.
Thank you
Steve, your affirmation is appreciated. Have a great day!
Powerful and meaningful, Steve. Thank you. I grew up the child of five divorces, and although God can restore the years the locusts have eaten, it takes a lifetime to process His grace in the barren land. Thank you for sharing your story, for rising again after such pain, for connecting with your daughter, and for admiring your father. I’m grateful to you.
Wayne, sharing your story briefly here is an encouragement to me and others. When everyone bears burdens together, they are lighter. Thanks my friend.